Dear Xanga\:/

You blow chunks of horribleness.

You should die.

Except not really.
I get all my surveys from you.
& my cute pictures too.
That's all you're good for.

Realize this.

& give up everything else.

I'm better off, better off without you, boy.

Xanga trips me out.

I haven't actually posted a...post in like...ages.
Nearly 4 or 5 months.

& I'm not updating you on my life right now.

Psht.
Who am I kidding.
No one will ever read this.
Hah.

Oh well.

Baby, I want the whole world to see just how good your love looks on me...

Bulletins are broken on myspace.
They've been broken all day.
That sucks.
Those take up my time.
Blahhhh.

There's so many things I'd love to type on here.
So many things I want to tell you to go out & try...
So many things I want to tell you to stay away from...
So many things I want to experience with you.

But saying these things would get me in trouble.
It would probably get me grounded.
& it would definately put parents in a position to blame & hate me...
If they found out, of course.

Too bad.

But anyway.
I think I'm finally beginning to appreciate life.
A big emphasis on finally.

Ahhhhh...
I wish weekends didn't end so quickly.
Summer is gonna be the best.

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget...

Right, so I have this uncontrolable urge to just talk right now.
But I can't talk to anyone because my dad's asleep in his bed beside me...
& my mom would be like "Why're you talking too much? Are you high? Drunk? What did you DO? WE'RE TAKING YOUR CAR AWAY."

&& my sisters, mergh, please. I'd rather not.
&& I just don't feel like phoning it tonight.
No.
I need someone in person to talk to.

Pheeww.
Holidays are almost gone.
*uber sad face here*
Monday is school-begins-again day.
Man. I hate that.

Got another iPod for Christmas. a Nano one.
It only holds 500 songs, but it's a blessing compared to CD's.
Now I gotta get a tape thing that let's me play it through my car speakers.
You know?
Yeah.

Oh yeah, & I fixed the internet back up at home.
All on my ownnn because I'm a wee bit awesome.
This motivated my mom to get DSL.
WAHHHH.
The equipment is coming in like next week or the week after.
I AM EXCITE.

Blargh, but I am not excite about the internet we have right now.
Dial up is the suckies, mane. It won't even pull up myspace anymore.
It used to let me go on my daily myspace frenzy, but one day...um, yesterday it decided, "Well, Haley, I don't even much like you & you have a bad myspace addiction, so I'm not going to let you do myspace anymore. So there."
&& so it worketh no more.

I figured out that my top three favorite bands of all time (for now) are Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pink Floyd, & Between the Buried & Me.
Play them at any time, & I'll be sure to start singing (or in BTB&M's case, screaming) & dancing & such.

MAN, YOU GUYS.
I told you I needed to talk.
Wanted to. Would love to.
Wah-tehv-erhh.

So on a serious note...I desperately wish I was happy again.
That's all.
Just happy.
That's all I want to be.
But with people directing me all over the place, trying to make me happy with their things that make them happy, it just makes me wish even more I could be happy.
Unfortunately, I'm good at faking happy.
Sometimes I'm not faking. Sometimes people really do make me happy, like they've caught me up in their Happy Moment & I've falsly led myself to believe that I'm finally happy for a while.
But when I get alone, it's gone.
I'm so so tired of this.
I don't know what makes me happy anymore.
& if you tell me to stop being emo, I'll cut you in your throat.
Seriously.
I don't do emo crap.
I just...can't get happy right now.

Except...when I'm talking with someone that I haven't talked to in a long time about me & what I'm going through for once & even listening to them talk about themselves after letting me vent. Or when I'm watching someone play some kick-butt guitar. Or when I'm listening to someone with an amazing voice sing. Or when I'm out with friends that I know will look out for me & love me no matter what & we're just...sitting around with no curfew, no worries about getting in trouble, no nothing. Or when I learn something really hard on guitar, when I finally get it right after working on it for hours. Or when I hear myself singing along with my best friend while just aimlessly driving around. Or when I'm falling asleep to the greatest music ever. Or when...

I'll stop.

Of course, those moments are about to end, at least until Spring Break or Summer because school is coming & my grades are sure to get me grounded.
I would say, "Oh but the weekends! I can do these things on the weekends," but reality says...
"No. Grades. You must get them up or you won't get into the college you want to go to.
Friends, nope. They're not going to want to move their schedules around just to hang out with you. They've got other friends to see that have time to hang out with them.
Boys, bah, please. All the wrong ones are coming after you & you're too picky & usually always too late to get them anyway.
Guitar, no way. You have to get your grades up, remember? No time for guitar.
Best friend, hah, she'll be going on dates with her boyfriend on Fridays & has to work on the weekends all the time & you won't be able to go out on weekdays because you have to get better at golf for those scholarships you desperately need."

Oh, hey, by the way, Reality?
Thanks.

Wow.
Long post.
Oh well.
Talking.
I needed to do that.
Even if I was typing.
I like typing.
Yesh.

Sorry.
It's been a long long long year.

I insist, the pleasure's all mine...

I love the color blue.
Xanga is nearly dead.
I'm sad for it.
It's never a good thing to be almost dead.
At least I feel comfortable that I can always come back here & see my pathetic xanga...knowing it will be here as long as I keep it here.

One of the only reliable things in my life right now.

Everyone's telling me that I'm not a good person anymore.
That I've changed for the worse.

Ergh.

Not the best time to tell me that, folks.
But whatever.
I like who I am right now.

Isn't that what should matter?
I thougth so...
But no.

Ugh.

Whatever.

I go to college in one year and one semester...and one summer.
Then I'll be able to be me without the judgemental glances of others that have known  me for so long...&& expect all those good things from me I used to please them with. All of that and more will be overrrr.

I'm so ready to leave.
To start over.
Just a little more than a year...